totally lost

it's been years not posting anything here
i've been through many obstacles which bring me down to the worst part of my life
so what make me survive?
what make me stay?
the one and only answer i have is "i've no other choice"

did i cry? yes, i did.
of course, i did

the worst feeling ever is when you have to bear your tears of not falling,
hold your emotion by showing your smile, pretend that everything runs well as what you've planned. really, sometimes those feeling make me want to end my life soon.

believe me, i already bought drink with alcohol and drank it while crying. but i didn't finish it because i felt dizzy
then in another day, i browsed on the internet about suicide and the ways how to do it. but i didn't do it because i knew it's prohibited in my religion

i know. i was so miserable.
i know. its hard to believe.
but really, if only suicide was allowed in my religion, i think i would have ended my life now.

but why? why do i really want to end my life?
its because sometimes i do not understand with my life
i do not understand about how useless i am, the failure which i always get over and over. and i am so sick about it. my life feels so suck.

crying. ah i'm already too tired to do it.